Unforgettable.

You know those moments that are unforgettable? Your first anything, possibly. Good example would be your first kiss. First makeout, along those lines. Sometimes, though, you just want to forget. The tears rip down your cheeks, and your eyes sting whenever you think about it. Maybe its just me, but last night I laid in my bed and cried because I wanted to forget. I wondered what life would be like without our having met. I didn't want to feel sad every time I thought about it. I didn't want any of that. Is that what heartbreak is? Is that what I'll feel every time something good ends? I don't want it to be. I don't want to cry whenever something good ends. I dont want there to be ENDS. But that's life. C'est la vie.

Pounding Head

to match
pounding heart.
sweaty palms,
jittery.
Nervous?
Of what, may I
inquire? Or rather,
can I guess.
Each second marks
a steady pounding
of head and heart
and blood,
synced in rhythm.
Sweaty-palmed
hand grip,
waiting; waiting.
Are you going,
going, gone?
Please don't leave.

Lend Me A Hand

I've been studying for my first AP test! Yes, that's right. AP. As in, college level. oh, shoot me now. But I'm on break to get on my much loved computer. I swear, I can type faster than write these days. Well, that's an exaggeration, seeing as I make more mistakes when I type. Anywho. These last few days have been, well, sort of hectic and making me ponder some things in my life. I won't name names, though. Even though not many people read this (aka, like none) I don't want to get too too personal.

Shoutout to my lovely Anna Banana: Don't worry about writing back late! If I'd gotten your letter last week, I would be writing back late, too. School is stressfull. Don't worry, Anna, I still love you :). I seriously miss you and I think that you NEED to come to Indy sometime soon, like, tomorrow preferably. But if not, letters are good enough, even if theyre slow, they are so much more special than email. None of the past few posts have been about you, dear. Not the bad ones, anyway....

I'm reading a new book (surprise, surprise!) and it's about (somewhat) internet dating. Internet dating is stupid. Sorry. I mean, for our age. That being teens. Adults are more responsible and can get themselves out of sticky situations. Kids? Not so much. I would never give my address to a kid I didn't know.

Tomorrow is my daddy's birthday. I wrote him a poem:

Forever

Warm night,
Stars sparkle a shade
of contentment.
Soft grass beneath
bare toes.
Tilt your head back
to see the night;
Lift your arms,
In hopes of taking flight.
Let the air rush
over you.
Do you feel
Like forever?

Calm Your Nerves Now, Don't Worry

You had your chance. In fact, I gave you plenty. But you have a shield up, don't you? It's some kind of wall that you put up, for me to tear down. I get a brick, maybe two. But it just goes back up. I don't know what else to do. I'd give you everything, but I've got nothing left. Just me. But you won't take that, either. Will you?

Hate Me

You can talk to me,
you always could.
But instead, you sit,
locked away in your room.
Do you bleed often now?
More often than before,
When you did talk to me?
Do you ever cry.

You can talk to me,
but you shy away.
Bury yourself in a wall
of harsh words and
loud music, plugged in.
You hide away
to see who will take down
the wall.

You can talk to me,
but I don't think you ever will.
You compare yourself to me.
Am I perfect, in your eyes?
Am I better than you?
Don't compare us.
I am not you,
talk to me.

You can talk to me,
I want to scream it in your face.
Take away the blades
and slide the shield away.
Let me in,
Open the doors.
I'm begging you.
Don't let us slip away.

You need to come home, my skeleton

This world is amazing. Don't you just want to live it all? See a sunrise and a sunset in one sitting. Talk about everything and nothing all night long. See the sky, and the grass and the trees and the colour of flowers not yet bloomed and the sky at twilight, when the world is blue for a moment. I sit and think and I want to see it all, and it makes me sad that I might not be able to. I want to do everything worth doing. I want to BE. For some people, life might not be worth it. For me, it will be. I will make it worth living. Its hard for me to understand that some lives are not worth living, because if you want to, you can make life better than what you dreamed it could be. Life is worth living. Let's get living :)

Come, closer

Hands shaking
ans you run them
over and over agian,
through your hair.
Frantic fingers
tracing labyrinths.
Scattered thought
running rounds
inside your head.
Scream, go on.
Let it out.
Whisper words,
frenzied fingers,
tangled thoughts.
Release yourself,
come to me.

Breakdown, baby

Have you ever had a pretty decent day, nothing major going wrong, and then BAM just one thing happens that sends you over the edge into a fit of crying? Just one little thing, something small, makes you want to cry for no good reason. Maybe it's school stress. Or maybe just delayed reaction from some not-so-nice things this weekend. Whatever the cause, I had a little bit of a mental breakdown, but I'm all better now.

This weekend, I did a photoshoot with my sister. "photoshoot" being a really loose term for it. Its more of... let's go to that abandoned house and take some awesome pictures :). Anywho. The theme this week was mental illnesses. I got to hang myself, me schizo, and have painted hands wrapped around my neck for being strangled. Fun, huh? Don't you worry, its totally safe. Flickr.com/nevershoutver. Check it out and I'm sure she'd appreciate comments.

My school stress is just yet beginning. I had a pile of homework this weekend. French quiz tuesday or Mardi, biology lab to design by myself, finding things for my wire sculpture in art, honors algebra 2 quiz tuesday and homework, AP world reading and map, and minimal english. Oh, did I mention all honors? Wow, am I a complainer or what? I should enjoy high school, which I do find I enjoy. :) sorry, only deep thoughts from now on.

Anna Banana. Find time to blog, puh lease. And write me back. Writing me back comes first :)

Fly, Fly Away

There once was a little girl
and she wished she could fly
Up, up, through the clouds
on little butterfly wings.
She told her mother
and she smiled
and patted her head

There once was a teenage girl
and she wished she could fly
to above to clouds
on fragile moth's wings.
She told her boyfriend
and he laughed
and took her hand.

There once was a woman
and she wished she could fly
to where the weather is always beautiful
on sleek sparrow's wings.
She didn't tell anybody
and she smiled to herself
and kept wishing.

There once was an old woman
and she wished she could fly
and never stop again
on simple raven's wings.
And she told them
and they scattered her ashes
and, finally, she soared.

--------------
Today was my second day of high school. Not bad, not amazing. Its... school. It truthfully doesn't feel that different, but the work is already harder. Well, if not harder, there IS already work. I'm not a freak, i promise, but i enjoy having something to DO outside of... nothing. I dislike being bored, and if i do homework, i feel accomplished and like i really learned something. And after that, I curl up with a book or something and relax. School makes me appreciate relaxing time so much more. Over the summer, I really disliked having 'free' time. it was basically code for 'I have nothing to do, so I'll put off summer reading.' Now, homework first, then I get to have some fun. I love it! Well, love is too strong a word. But anyway.
Thought of the day: would you rather live, really live, for one lifetime, or live forever?

Hush, you're colouring my eyes red

Sitting in my room (newly rearranged!) and listening to my Ipod on shuffle. If you know what song the title is refferring to, go you! Because that song is amazing. Tomorrow is my first day of the scary high school. I am somewhat worried, even though I know I have no real reason to be. If I get lost, the school is full of nice people who I can ask. I mean, really. Its not THAT hard. But I am feeling slightly ill about all the hard classes I decided to take. I have my summer projects done and in my backpack, and also we went school shopping today. I have new items in my closet. But I can't help feeling that I might not think its as great as other people say it is, and it will be four years of hell for me. I doubt it but y0u never know. And it doesn't help that I have no clue what to wear. How trivial and petty are my problems? And yet... It doesn't do to say that people elsewhere have bigger problems. I know that they do. But that doesn't go to say that my own little problems don't matter to me, now does it?
Anywho, wish me luck tomorrow!
oh, and Anna... did you get my letter yet? Just wondering :)

Things to Consider

Today's topic of conversation: cutting. Now, before you judge and say its a touchy subject, I know. But I think that I have something to say. First, no, I do not cut. But I am reading a book about a girl who does. The book is called Willow, and it is by Julia Hoban. It is a very good book, and do not be deterred by the subject matter.
Now, I personally think that cutting is horrible. Sorry if this offends people, but I'm simply putting my opinion out there. It's easier to bleed than to face what made you bleed, no? It is sort of.... avoidance of what is really the problem at hand. I have written a lot of poetry on the subject, just because it is a strong emotion and I find it interesting to explore.
The people that do cut and try to find help, namely To Write Love On Her Arms, are very brave. Telling someone something like that is very brave and I applaud those who do, and urge those who haven't to look for help. Maybe even want to stop.
This is purely a random post, sparked by thoughts in the car today, on the way to IKEA. I think that it is sad that so many people in my generation cut themselves or otherwise harm themselves, and I have to wonder if people long before our time did this to themselves or not. Are we the only generation that uses pain as a way to feel? Is this another hint that we are growing increasingly lazy and sloth-like? Or is it simply that the world is becoming darker, more sinister, and we can no longer take it? Whatever the reason, it makes me sad. Thank you. Please share your thoughts with me, if you feel the need. I'd like to know other opinions on the subject.

Princesses!

My friend and I had a Disney Princess Movie Marathon. We watched Mulan, The Little Mermaid (my personal favorite), Pocahontas, and Beauty and the Beast. We stayed up until like two, and then went to bed because the next day was the water park! We stayed a long, good day at the park and then I got dropped off back at home. Anyway. I had something to say about the Disney movies.
One, I love how they are all different nationalities. Like, Mulan is Chinese, Pocahontas is Native American (or Indian, whichever you prefer), and Belle is French. Ariel is... a mermaid. Oh how many little girl days I spent wishing I were a mermaid and could just swim forever, while Ariel wished to be where the people were.... Maybe that's why I became a swimmer. I feel so natural in water. Its a wonderful feeling. Also, I feel at ease when I'm writing something beautiful or meaningful or (hopefully) both. Its... an amazing feeling.
Today I also went to a party with just a few of my friends, and it was really fun. A few of my friends and I went in to eat some pickles (yes, literally, get your mind out of the gutter if you were thinking that!) and when we came out, our friends were yelling "Hurry, run, Kevin's suffocating!" and we all blew it off as a joke, because we were only gone maybe five minutes, and Kevin was just fine before. But, as we approached, he was in fact on the ground, sort of gasping. His hood of his sweatshirt had been tied around his face, with a really tight knot for a pretty long period of time, and he literally could not breathe anymore. Luckily for him, another friend, Matt, is really good at untying knots and saved Kevin's life. We were just messing around (well, we not including me, so they) when he couldn't breathe anymore and it was really just innocent play. But think how scary that must have been! Breath stolen... none able to get through. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of it. Just remember next time you fool around... its not always fun and games. Also, sorry to be so morbid. It really was fun party :)

New and Improved

Today, I got a new computer! Well, computer is a loose term. Technically, its a netbook and it is TINY. Ten inch screen and its only like two pounds. It is the cutest thing ever! It arrived today in a little box and I unwrapped it and its soooo pretty too. And a major improvement over my last, broken computer. Smaller, but the keyboard is a nice size. No more typos than usual. That is pretty much all I had to say, because until I get all my old computer stuff onto this computer, I dont have much time to blog. Well, I do. But I dont have much to say. :)

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky was one of my sole purchases in Paris, and I bought it as an impulse buy from Shakespeare Book Company. I have to say, I had my doubts about it, because I just climbed the book ladder (which made me super excited, I've always wanted to!) and plucked it from the shelf. I finished it in two days in Paris, which is a big accomplishment, seeing as we were not in the apartment too long each day. This book has everything. Love, lust, drugs, abuse, friend issues, person issues. It really is just that great. It's about a kid, Charlie, making his way through his first year of high school. He learns to participate in life instead of standing on the sidelines.

Losing something is never fun. But regaining what you thought lost? Its amazing. Like losing touch with a friend and then you get back together and its so great because you never imagined it could be like this again. But it is. I just wonder if I've already lost it once, will it be that much easier to lose in the future? I hope not. I really hope not.

Flour?

Well, I am sitting down after a nice shower. I finally got all the flour out of my hair! I am so proud, it's not even funny. That's right, flour. As in, bread baking flour. We bought a bag and threw it at each other. I was coated head to toe. A few hours later, I still had flour stuck all over me. Good times.

School is closing in, with only eight days until it begins again. I got a backpack :) Also, I am very close to finishing summer reading. So, my mental prep for school is well on its way. Getting up early? Not a problem. School work? Well, let's hope not.

I've thought alot about growing up lately. Growing old, growing apart, growing taller, growing growing growing. Growing old I can handle, even though being stooped and wrinkled scares me. Growing apart is really hard. There's nothing you can really do to stop it from happening. One day you might be best friends, the next it seems like you don't talk anymore, and when you do, it's strained. But it's a part of 'growing up'. I just want to know that I can make it through. I might emerge from 'growing up' with a few scars and more than a few bruises and heartaches but without it, where would I be? In Great Expectations, Miss Havisham taught Estella not to love, so she would never get her heart broken. But now, she has no heart. So which is worse?

Can You Keep a Secret?

Can I tell you a secret?
she whispered late at night.
you nodded and smiled.
she faltered; stopped.
Did you let her?
Did you even wonder?
Can I tell you a secret?
She never asked again.

With no one left to tell,
she sat all alone
and told herself,
again and again
she told herself.
Spelled it out upon the floor
in blood, and
with no one left to tell,
she grew silent.

Are you aware?
You could have listened.
You could have helped.
Instead, one day,
you will discover. Scars.
How many could you have stopped?
Maybe bloodied, she will tell
but it will be much too late.
Are you aware?
You should have asked.

Take My Hand

All morning I sat at my desk and carved away. This is the final product, enjoy :).