Challenge

of the day: Tell someone something that you have wanted to tell them for a while. Now, i will say that face to face is better than texting or facebook or whatever. But, do however you please. Maybe if you are totally honest with someone, it'll be to your benefit. But dont murder me if it backfires!

A blend, of night
and living.
Fireflies light up the
lawn,
so many that you can't
tell where they end
and the stars begin.
Life and darkness blend,
because without one,
the other would not be.
Fireflies,
light the way

Situations

For those of you who have never read the To Write Love On Her Arms story, it is simply beautiful. twloha.com, and go find the story. I myself do not have a god, but this story is inspiring. I received my own To Write Love On Her Arms shirt just the other day, and it brightened it so much, just to have that shirt, to stand for a good cause. I wore it the next day, and I loved explaining the cause to people who asked me about it, because they didn't know. Maybe if we spread the word, something will change.

"We will be the hopeful" one of the shirts reads. And I am one of the hopeful, and I hope everyone can be. We can't stop the bad things happening in the world, but we can try to help make it better. To be the hopeful.

Nothing's bigger than love, so everybody write love on their arms.

Continued.

Things I miss
being carefree
pleasure pack
some friends
being naive about 'love'
knowing what I wanted
having time
easy classes
my first kiss (still having it)
excitement over new things
laughing more than crying
not being afraid
being little and simple
not being hurt
swimming
holding hands
looking forward, not back
The Campout
oodles of snow
a BEST friend
loving running around outside
playing 'house'
polly pocket
being 5 years old

Things I'm looking forward to
Finding out love
NeverShoutNever
college
making new friends
driving
freedom
living for me
re-learning carefree
laughing more than crying
being held close
inspiring others
getting over it
reconnecting
next summer
writing camp
summer gym
being kissed
roadtrips
shnuggle time
sleeping
getting braces off
Life

you see,

I have this problem. I hang on to the past, instead of moving forward to the future. I've been having flashbacks of things in the past, all stemming from Bamboozle Roadshow, which has turned out to be a major turning point in my life. My first concert, I turned 14, I met my first real boyfriend, Started to not listen as much to my parents, and pretty much things have gone from there. But, is hanging on to the past a bad thing?

Sometimes, yes. Because if I can't let go, and everyone else can, I'm left behind, likely hurt. Because if I can't let go, I'll never get over things. Simple as that. I look back and wish I would've done things differently, and if things wouldnt have turned out how they have. Sometimes I wonder how life would be if.... (fill in event here)
Even small events make a big difference.

But I want to let go. Maybe I should start by being honest with myself and with other people. Just release pent up feeling, and then I'll be ready to start looking for the future :)

More later, i guarantee.

Falling down

So, I wrote this bit of a song. I'm not a songwriter, that's for sure. please comment and let me know what you think!

It's gonna be a long week
I feel the weight
crashing down,
crashing down
around me.
I'm not safe,
no longer safe,
from it all.
Watch closely,
as my tower falls,
falls down.

(chorus)
I've been crying and
crying, but I've got
no tears.
I've been crying and
crying, but it doesn't
do any good, not
anymore.
The walls are
crashing down,
crashing down
all around me.
I'm trapped.
Oh, I'm trapped


So that's my song. Sort of. Its a work in progress.
Anywho, today was better. And I'm going to catch up in classes because I feel productive right now. Yes!
Anna~ I miss you a hell of a lot, too! I'd call you and talk, but I don't know the time difference, and letters are so much more special. :)

Challenge of the day: Pass on a smile to someone you don't know in the hallway, or talk to someone you've never talked to before. Its nice for everyone :)

Trekkie!

Okay, i should not be blogging right now. Because I have sooooo much homework, my head is pounding, and I guarantee that I will not get enough sleep, leading to another shit day tomorrow. Joy to the world.

Im not even going to type up all my homework, because it's going to stress me out more, and writing is to de-stress me.

So my friend asked me to write a song for him. Im going to, of course, but I need a starting point. I'll get there though, no worries.

This weekend was actually pretty okay. Friday night I went to a football game of a school I don't go to with my friend, and i got a GLOWSTICK. colour me excited. Saturday I did a bunch of random stuff like painting the house, mowing the lawn, and ripsticking. Sunday, study group. Sunday was shit. I need a break from school in general. It's killing me. I thought I could handle it. Next year, I'm laying off a bit because its horrible. So much work on a nightly basis, and I'm behind because i like reading and writing and sleeping and not studying all the time. I like being in clubs. I can't do it all, though. But I can't give it up. Lose-lose situation.

Maybe more later, back to studying for a good two hours.

This

Is a poem about wanting, and of finding what you've been looking for.

Sometimes, life is
a dark room.
Nothing is clear, nothing
is real. Not even you.
Not dragged down,
liable to float and drift.
Reaching out, but afraid of
finding, of wanting.
Because wanting leads
to suffering,
a pain you can't ignore.
But when you reach,
and you grasp,
it doesn't seem to matter
anymore.

(You are Beautiful.)

(Pass it on.)

Wouldn't it just make your day if someone told you "You look nice today" or "That's awesome!" ? Compliments aren't given nearly enough. I mean, I guess they are given. But if you have something nice to say, say it. Because chances are, it will make someone's day. Sometimes it makes mine :).

A Fine Mess
is what it has become.
No beginning, no end
in sight.
Tangled web of silken
thread.
Fine and gossamer,
but strangely unbreakable.
Why have I let this happen?
Slick myself slippery
and slide free.
Run away, and try
not to look back.
But a quick glance
can't hurt.
Can it?


Homework doesn't seem quite so bad anymore. It's just... something to pass time. Plus, I'm learning. I want to learn. But also, I'm in love with putting it off, because I keep thinking I'd much rather be reading, or sculpting with my clay, or replying to a letter or a note. I'd rather be dancing in the midst of a crowd, not caring about anything but the moment. I'd rather be lost in my words, an endless maze. I'd rather already know. But since I don't... homework it is.

I challenge you all to give somebody a compliment. Maybe they'll pass it on.

Do you, do you wanna lose it all?

Dance hall drug, Boys Like Girls. Oh yes, I'm hitting it old school on music tonight. Just letting my Ipod shuffle through all my songs.

Today started out average, got worse, and then tonight I was going downstairs for a bowl of watermelon and then BAM I had mail! A six page letter! I was seriously jumping for joy because I got this letter. Oh, my goodness. I love when things turn from horrible, working-on-homework-until-eleven-at-night to Yes-I-just-got-a-letter-and-that-makes-everything-better. :)

Streetlights line the road,
but there are spots of darkness.
Silhouettes in the shadows of the night.
Undefined.
Step into the light;
Illuminate yourself
from the inside out.
Because, sometime,
the morning will come.



Hmm. A happy poem. Could it be?! Yes.

Eyes

Open.
Straining to find
the middle ground
between life
and death.
Sweet sleep.
Thoughts cluttering
your mind,
tracing paths in the open
air above your head.
Colliding, loudly.
Keeping you from sleep.
Keeping you away.
Close your eyes
in hopes of falling.

Oh...

I know what you might be thinking. Two post in one night, what a loser! But really, I was just hit with the extreme need to let something out.

I miss my friends. This sounds really silly, because I'm not away from home or anything. But... lately I've been growing distant from my friends. I hate it! All the friends I was soooo close with two summers ago, I'm barely even friends with now. And new friends? Yeah, I guess. But I need to reconnect with old friends. Because I know that if I don't now, I'll never be able to again. And that makes me want to cry. I want things back the way they used to be. I want things the way they're supposed to be. Some things I wish I could erase, some things I wish I had tried harder at. You can't change the past, but the future is yours. And I'm going to make this future mine :)

These violent delights

Have violent ends And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, Which, as they kiss, consume." -Romeo and Juliet

What a day. Not really. Seeing as it was the sunday before a big AP world history test, there was study group to get our charts done, and to generally prepare for the test. Same old, same old. I should study really hard, because I want an A really bad. Silly, I guess, but still.

Aujourd'hui, j'etudier pour francais, parce-que j'ai un interro de la porte demain.

"you're tripping over what is wrong and right" Autumn, Sparks the Rescue.

You know how people say they'll always be there for you? Well, I don't really believe that anymore. Because it's so hard to reach out to people who say they're there for you, if they don't reach out to you, too. I can't always be the one reaching, can I? Sooner or later, people will have to reach for me, too. And I'll always reach towards them, too. So why does it feel like sometimes, I'm reaching into empty space?

Inspired by Acton (an art exhibit at the IMA museum)
The illusion of having
of wanting, of owning
something quickly dispels,
and your hand finds nothing.
Reaching out in the dark,
the last step on a staircase
Not there in the dark.
A sickening thud
of something you thought
to be real
no longer there.
Blank

Shine

"I can't get you off my mind, because you shine girl, oh I know you shine" -The Morning Of-

I noticed that I post a lot more poems than actual recounts of my day. Well, I do love poetry, so today Ive decided to do both.

Okay, so last night World Connections Club (which I'm in) took a ten mile bike ride to Broadripple, then biked ten back. My friend spent the night with me, and we got up in the moring and biked (ouch, my butt!) to El Camino for lunch, then Yogi for frozen yogurt. Then, the best part, we went to my friends' soccer game (biking again, ouch, and ouch!) and cheered like crazy. You know those cheers for football? Like: "I. I believe. I believe that. I believe that we. I believe that we will win, I believe that we will win, I believe that we will win!" with stomping and jumping on the last part. Also, the best: "Form banana, form form banana. Peel banana, peel peel banana. Go bananas! Go, go banana! Form the orange, form form the orange. Peel the orange, peel peel the orange. Squeeze the orange, squeeze squeeze the orange! Form the (insert opposing teams name here). Form, form the blue team. Skin the blue team, skin, skin the blue team. Stomp the blue team, STOMP STOMP the blue team!" It has hand motions and such too. I think my friends appreciated it. :)

then we went to mama bears, and eventually back home. But i loved it. I spent so much time with my friends today, and it was the best ever! I love weekend.

Now, possibly a poem. Which reminds me of the poems i have to do for Bio. Huh. anyway.

What I would do,
to tell someone
all my secrets.
To cry all night,
and never run out
of tears.
To count all the stars
while laying next
to you.
To grow wings
and simply fly away.
To have my wishes
all come true.
To dance in the rain
and laugh when
I'm wet.
To spin in circles
until I fall down.
To really learn
to live my life.


ehhh.... I dont really like that poem. but then again, it wasnt really planned. it was just what I want...

Where the Sky Meets the Earth

The woods,
blanketed in snow.
Pieces of the sky,
sitting on the earth,
mixing.
The trees, bare
but for a dusting
of frost, a gift
from the winter.

I walk alone
through these woods,
far from civility
and the rules that
bind me.
Here, in this magical
place, where Sky meets
Earth, I can imagine
that I am free.

Footsteps mark my
path here, so I
know how to get
back. But
what If I would
like to
stay? Erase my
steps, my ties to
that place, and
stay in my woods,
a palace where Sky
greets Earth.

The darkness will
fall, and with it
bring new light.
Casting shadows,
the snow turns
pink. The Sky is
bleeding, colouring
my realm in
shades of nature.
Where the Sky
welcomes the Earth.

The wind whispers
secrets that none
should know. But
I do. I do.
The birds call
promises to the
darkening Sky.
I will, I will.
In my hideaway
Where Earth
merges with Sky.

New Sky falls,
filling in footsteps
as life goes on.
I stand and watch
as the prints I
have made are
washed away.
Do I want to go back?
Could I find my way?
Or do I stay forevermore
were the Sky
reaches to touch
The Earth.

tears of sadness,
a loss indeed.
My only claim to this
place, my footsteps, gone
in a moment. Can I
go back?
Through the trees
and Sky and Earth,
I tread, back
to my home,
where the wondrous
palace of Earth and
Sky and Sky and Earth
will be a lovely
memory.

Drop Down

into a well of
black feeling.
Anger swells,
a tidal wave.
Sadness pulls,
ripping at the ties
you have forged
to happiness.
Some days,
riding high.
Others, plunged so
far below, you
don't want to recover.
You want to
sink deeper,
until you fade
away. Until
you can't go
further, and you're
never coming
back.
Let me pull you out.

Aching

Smile, go on
Force it. A laugh here
A tease there.
Now don't you look happy?

A sick approximation.
A terrible flaw.
I know things
You're not happy
Are you?

Smiles in the lips,
tears in the eyes.
Bruises hidden
beneath.
Keep pretending

Act like you have
no clue.
Live it up, you're
loved. But you have
your boundaries,
right?

Fill your head with
air, no room lefrt
to think of
those bruises.
None at all.

---This is a poem I wrote just last night. No, not about me of course. But do you ever find yourself sinking? Falling down further and further, but all you need is a tug out? Sometimes you have to tug yourself out. Not too easy.
School has got me down. I have so much homework, it seems to all be crashing around me. For some reason, I always imagine a wall of my books and homework, just falling on me, and I can't move out of the way.... but all I really need is some down time. Read a book, write a poem. A happy one, perhaps? We shall see.
Life can only get better from here, right?

A

Lone.
Silently creeping
into hearts; stomachs.
Slithering ice hot
fingers to each bone. Chilled.
The well of tears
never runs dry.
It strikes, like
as summer storm.
Strong, heedless, and leaves you
powerless. Always hovering.
Clear your mind,
forget all of it.
Not easy enough.
Not nearly easy enough.
Alone, you fade
a
w
a
y

Goodbye

I was thinking about it, dork that I am, as I was watching iCarly. How could you begin to say goodbye to the life youve built? A home, a room, a niche, so to speak. A place where you feel as if you sometimes belong. Where you can ask a room full of people for a ride home, and have people offer to drive you, if you needed it. Where you know your way around the town. My teacher today said "some of you may be counting the minutes until you get out of here. My friend up in Chicago wants to leave Chicago, too. Because you know your way around. You know?" And I did. How many times have I dreamed of getting out of Indy? Of moving somewhere else, and getting to start over. Why would I want to start over me? I mean, of course I know the appeal. But the more I think about it, were I at boarding school right now, I doubt that I'd be adjusted. I'd be homesick and crying for my mom and dad and friends and good old school. Maybe. As much as I wish I were rich and couldve gone, a part of me is happy that I didnt, because I want my high school years to be surrounded by friends that know me and love me all the same.

For some reason, all I want to do right now is cry. Maybe its because I don't know how to get together with old friends. I've missed so much. In some cases, I think we can catch up. In others.... I don't even know anymore. Maybe it's the fact that my fingers hurt from cello and typing. Or, that besides near constant homework work, I'm behind in some classes. Or maybe I just need to cry because my head is full of thoughts, and I just want to forget some things. But it's harder and harder. In some respects, I'm done.

And a run to the mailbox to mail a letter might have been just what I needed.

Chapter One

Breathe, I told myself again. Just let the air OUT of your lungs, and you'll be fine. Oh, no, I was not. Okay, okay. Making amends, I was better than fine. I was standing in front of what had to be the most perfect high school ever. If high school could actually be good.

See, two months earlier, I'd gotten a letter that informed me that I was to be on my way to Starway Art Academy. As in, perfect for me. But I hadn't applied, and yet here I was, loaded up with a full scholarship and my bags in hands, ready to start my freshman year of high school off right. At art school.

I stared up at the majestic school building. It was everything that one could imagine about a boarding school; The stone walls that reached higher than seemed possible. Sprawling green lawns with students milling around, and the castle-like appearance characteristic to all boarding school fantasies since Harry Potter.

I grabbed my bags and start towards the front office. I hadn't been able to fly out for the tour, so I was there a day before classes started to become acquainted with the school. So, there were minimal students there and I was free to wander around all day with a guide. Huh, what a contradictory statement. I gripped my bags harder and walked into the school.

Surprisingly well lit for the grand appearance, it was welcomingly cool. The front office was straight ahead, and the doors were contemporary glass, just as it had been at my old school. I walked in and the lady at the desk glanced up at me. She had the longest fingernails I had ever seen, pink and dangerous. I tried not to stare too much as I made my way up.

"Um, excuse me. I'm Jilla Camberry and I'm here for my schedule and room assignment." I looked away from those killer nails again.

"Yes, I have you right here, Jilla. I hope that you enjoy Starway, and welcome! Your roommate is Melody Barker and she's already up in your room. Ask her if you have any questions, because she was here for orientation. She's a freshman, just like you, so you might have some classes together. Your room is on the third floor. Elevator is on the left. Welcome to Starway!" She punctuated this with a smile and a wave of her killer-nailed hand. I half-smiled and took the schedule and papers from her. Before she looked down, I noticed that around her pupils is a strange sort of light. Almost as though her pupils were set back from the rest of her iris... I blinked and dragged myself and my things out the door to the elevator.

(obviously not the end of chapter one, and not the best writing I've ever done, but it's all I can hope to type at the moment. To be continued...)

Motivation

so I lied, anna. Your letter is still sitting on my desk becaue I'm forgetful. It's written. Hurry! Soon, it'll go out of date.

I noticed that many of my titles are song titles or song lyrics. This is because I love all forms of art. I love writing, I play cello, I love clay, wire, and printmaking, and was in the school play last year. Art is me :). Music, j'adore!

Words are immortal. Think on that a moment. Thats why I want to write. Words are immortal, and if they never die, neither does your soul. tee hee, that was cheesy.

Art is my relief. From homework, from life, from stress. Art is my escape where I can imagine anything and everything to make and mold with my own hands. Art is where I can be who I want, and shove all false pretenses to the side to just let myself be. When I'm sad, are helps me to calm down. When life seems to much, I grab my sketchbook to scrawl something happy down. A tree, which are always symbolic to me because they are growth. They are natural and pure and beautiful and are the essence of life. Art helps me breathe.

Running

Today, it was a normal day at school. Well, somewhat. Is anything ever normal? Anyhow, I went home and did homework until about eight, when i pretty much got sick of it all. I decided to go for a run. Like, an actual run. I used to think I couldn't do it alone. Like, I needed someone to run with to actually motivate myself to keep going. I was wrong. I ran about, say, three miles? And all by myself, it felt like I was the only one in the entire world, just me and my breath and my steps. It was amazing. Just thought I should share that.

Anna, I am mailing your letter tomorrow, I promise! Its all written and stamped and stuff. Yay!