I dont hate you
i'm not mad at you
"tu me fache" doesnt mean "i'm mad at you"
it means "you make me mad"
they're different.
tu m'inquiete.
Je veux le meilleur pour toi,
est-ce que tu vois ca?
I forgive you, but not for putting him first,
always. I forgive you because
I think you'll have my back.
Can't you see that this is my way of having yours?
Sorry if I'm unclear
but my water is foggy.

Its finally summer. Ain't it grand? But also, it's the first day of summer and im already like... huh. What am I going to do all summer? If i were leaving,
going somewhere spectacular and new, I'd have no problems finding things to do. But im stuck here, in more ways than one. I don't know. Maybe it's a phase. I told someone I wanted to explore the world once, and they told me "I did too, when I was twelve. but I've grown up" if that's growing up, I never want to. I want to keep my dreams and fly away with them. I want everything I've dreamed about, and I want to keep the things I've wanted. I'm not young or stupid. Or maybe I am, but it doesnt feel like it, and that's good enough for me. maybe I'll get more realistic, but I'd rather live a fantasy than try to be practical. I want to travel, and I think I'll just... be a flight attendant. Yeah! that's perfect.
I'm rambling...
C'est ete! Summer! Je vais bien m'amuser

Forever Away

Forever awa
those houses of sadness
where people go
to cry, to keep their tears
in little glass jars
and keep their sobs in
the cubboards and floorboards
and little seams
of all those houses
with closed doors and
bottled tears.

Forever away
there are people all in
themselves,
wrapped up and coiled.
Hiding. They don't know
how to come out.
They don't remember how.
In those houses with
screams etched into
surfaces,
spilling with unsaid words.

Forever away
they want to fly
but can't find their wings.
They want to climb
but can't escape.
The bottles of tears, suffocating.
Drowing in them,
a tireless struggle.
they want to laugh,
to smile again,
in those houses with
their boarded doors and no wings.

Forever away
isn't that far.

Tu me fache

shout out to girls that can't be without guys. I applaud your dependent nature.

Sorry for the sarcasm. Cecile, j'ai une message pour toi, si tu le lis. Si tu ne sais pas pourquoi tu me fache, t'es plus bete que j'ai pense. vraiment. Desole, mais tu me fache parce-que t'es bete, et tu ne le sais pas! avec les garcons, drolement. mais aussi il s'agit de nous. Une semaine pour des amis? vraiment? bien s'amuse avec notre petit ami. Et aussi, tu me fache, et je suis tellement decu, main tu ne m'a dit pas RIEN. rien, cecile. et je suis ton meilleur ami? Je ne le pense pas. Pas si tu ne me parle pas.

sorry for the french. but anyway.
Last two days of school. I'm sort of sad, actually. I just saw the summer stretch out before me, long and hot. and I don't know what I'll do with myself. I need a job, for the umpteenth time. sorry for being repetetive, blogger world.

Can't wait, though. already im getting very very lazy. Math studying? pffft, yeah right. but really, algebra two is kinda hard. so i miiiight wanna go study.

journal

So, I haven't really kept a journal in a while. I've been busy. Schoolwork, i suppose? that's not really it. I've been too busy to write, but the desire to do so has hit me, and hit me hard. Its this whole two-books-one-day thing. I love it.
So, it hit me how badly, how achingly, i want an adventure. anything away from the norm. and I don't mean me going all 'hipster indie' which people mistakenly think is cool and unique. Unique is not looking and acting the same as everyone around you! Really, people. No. I want to get away from here. Starting over new doesn't sound half bad right now. In fact, it sounds perfectly dandy. But i'm tethered here. and what if i wasn't at hse for the french trip? I'd die, i think. because that's what my life revolves around. the next something exciting. But does my life take a pit stop for a year while i wait around to get it? Im going to california this summer, but I really just want to go somewhere... by myself. So I can be independent and not have to be on a family trip where I have to abide by the whims of others. But you know what? I'm too fucking young. How much does that suck? being 15. I'd really rather skip the next two year, fuck not growing up too fast.I don't really fit here, anywhere. Trivial things bore me, and little problems just blow over my head. I want something more. I love reading and just losing myself into it because its better there. In those books.

I want to travel europe. I speak dutch, english, french. I'll do fine in europe. I just need a shitton of money and permission, which is very hard to come by. this girl, in the book im reading, is 17 and backpacking europe! what's up with that? I'd have to be 18 and moved out out out to even consider doing that. I just wish it could happen. but my parents, paranoid, won't let me do anything because im a girl and in their eyes, girls are fragile and succeptible to anything and everything prowling the streets. I can defend myself, thank you!

It's late. Good night, internet world. i wish you well

Let this be our little secret

No one needs to know we're feeling higher and higher and higher
-Passion pit, Little Secrets-

So, im in the last two weeks of school. Not that you care. but if you did, i'd tell you that i'm really only in it for finals and then its job search 24-7. No joke. I need money for france!

foreign oceans,
and selfless love.
shhh, don't think, or
you'll ruin it.
these little shivers
that run your spine
to the ground,
toiling soil
and ruptured earth, dirt
clinging to fingernails
and souls. like blood,
bleeding words and
ink, and breath
that feeds us.
the twisted branches
and harmless twigs
that snag us, nonetheless.
Let's not forget,
let's not forget....

The Permanent Rain

So why the sudden change
and what’s this all about?
I know they speak your name,
but where’s the sound right now?
I can’t stop praying you’ll hear me play.
I know that I’ll be with you there someday.

So where the hell’s my hope,
and why can’t I just try?
You know I’ve lost a lot,
but I won’t let this die.
I know I’ve got a friend up in the atmosphere,
and another reason not to fear the sky;
no, not tonight.

Can I pull out all the stops,
and get out of this town?
I want to make you proud,
but I really don’t know how.
I know it’s not helping to hear me say,
“I wish it was me in the car that day.”
Though something made me stop and think of what you said.
You know it meant a lot,
but I was just a kid,
one with all these dreams of growing up and playing music on the road.
I’ve been screaming all these years and thinking of you both.

So where’s my hope,
and why can’t I just try?
You know I’ve lost a lot,
but I won’t let this die.
I know I’ve got a friend up in the atmosphere,
and another reason not to fear the sky;
no, not tonight.

I wrote this note,
because I never even told you.
You know I’ve got some things to sing about,
like we were young and holding true
to all these songs that always made us pull through,
and now I’ve got some words that I’ll write down.
I’m sending this shit out.

So where’s my hope,
and why can’t I just try?
You know I’ve lost a lot,
but I won’t let this die.
I know I’ve got a friend up in the atmosphere,
and another reason not to fear the sky;
no, not tonight.

So where’s my hope,
and why can’t I just try?
You know I’ve lost a lot,
but I won’t let this die.
I know I’ve got a friend up in the atmosphere,
and another reason not to fear the sky;
no, not tonight.

So where the hell’s my hope,
and why can’t I just try?
You know I’ve lost a lot,
but I won’t let this die.
I know I’ve got a friend up in the atmosphere,
and another reason not to fear the sky;
no, not tonight. no, not tonight

-The Dangerous Summer-

screams that don't sound
and the foggy morning
with silence stretched
so tight, you can see it,
thinning in places,
threatening to break.
With tight lips and
cracked smiles, we go on

For days of nothing,
of nothing that spoke,
of everything broken,
and the whispered wishes
and wants and wonders
in the night that cried out
with melancholy skies
of starless blankets
in clouds that swallow dreams
and hint of nightmares

Franglais?

ils me manquent, mes amis Francais. Je vous aime, beaucoupe. Et j'etudie pour l'annee prochaine. Je vous souvien. :)

I miss them, my french friends. I love them, alot. and I'm studying for next year. I'll remember you. :)

Frustration

lately everything electronic that I own has been messing up. My computer (other one, not this one I'm typing on) has a stupid virus and nobody knows exactly how to fix it. I mean, i run the computer for fifteen minutes, tops, and it freezes. Its a pretty damn new computer, too. So i'm pissed, and can't afford another because I need to go to France next year and thats big bucks so.... and also my Ipod. It has random bouts of "i'm going to turn off and on and off and on and off and on" and also "I'm not in the mood to let you play music." Its ridiculous. Are the two connected, maybe? I don't know, but I'm really not in the mood to lose all my music. Because really, I like all of it, even if I don't always listen on shuffle because some songs are annoying at the wrong moments and.. yes. Sorry, tangents seem to carry me away. I just want to sleep for days. But my homework is piling up and I don't even know how I let it get that way! It's so ridiculous that it makes me want to cry.