Mine, all mine

Should I have said?
Entrusted in you, a secret
That was apart of me.
A vile little demon,
Always perched in my breast.
I trusted you,
But I had lied.
Had I done wrong,
In thinking it was too much for me,
Too much to confess.
I am repulsed with myself,
And I entrusted in you,
A vile little secret
That was burned into me.


It was too much for me
I couldn’t handle it
So how could I think you could?
How could I know
How it would matter?
Words not said, held away
Stored in my coffers,
To be given in droplets.
Even I don’t open that coffer readily.
A secret of myself, better forgotten
I couldn’t handle it.
I couldn’t contain it.
Not a bird, to be sure.
Instead,
A limp and shriveled thing
I caged it away,
And how could I let go?

car clipboard

my headphones got run got rung up as a car clipboard, and only cost a dollar thirty. made my day :)

everything is yellow

i look out my window and all the leaves I see are yellow. I wish they were orange.

I'm a panda

Today was the last day of swim lessons. :( that makes me so sad! those kids were so nice! (most of them) And i'm going to miss getting in the pool two days a week, because sadly this year I am not swimming. Too hard on me. Next year, when I (might) take slack-off classes, I will swim.

No longer afraid to dream
fingers grip palms,
eyes closed tight.
Release, breath mingling
with others'.
All listening and
dreaming, wishing,
wanting to be ourselves
and know that its okay.

No longer afraid to cry.
Up there, in front,
she cries, wipes her
eyes with palms,
trying not to show.
Words are powerful,
too, and
it only feels right.

Just afraid, somehow,
I would forget.

I'd put up pictures of me at the concert (NeverShoutNever) but, its just not feeling it tonight. I'm going to try to do a poem a day from now on, but let's see how that works out.

Shout out to Anna! Keep writing, dear. I'm looking forward to this amazing letter!

Oh, and halle? I do care that you write on your blog, I love it!

Logophobia

is the fear of words. Imagine! Being afraid of words. I can't imagine not having words at all. I need words, i crave them.

Today I am obsessed with fears. Mnemophobia- fear of memories. Sometimes I just don't want to remember. Fear? maybe. Doesn't everyone get this sometimes?

Omphalophobia- fear of belly buttons
Philophobia- fear of falling in love
Soteriophobia- fear of depending on someone
Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- fear of long words (someone has a sense of humor)
Kakorrhaphiophobia- fear of failure or defeat
Allodoxaphobia- fear of opinions
Arachibutyrophobia- fear of having peanut butter stuck to the roof of the mouth

Some of these fears are silly and weird but if you stop to consider, there are hundreds of fears, rational and irrational. It only makes sense that there would be one for everyone. But which is mine? Soteriophobia? aichmophobia? (fear of needles) But for some reason, I am in love with the idea that these fears are all named. That they all exist. Don't ask me why, maybe stemmed of boredom?

NevershoutNever tonight! homecoming was last night. Grinding= not cool. Next year, im not going, because seeing all my friends grinding on everyone else, not exactly my scene. At. All. Concerts are more fun. Hopefully this one will live up to expectations.

The Haunting

was a seriously funny scary movie. At least with me and my friend watching it, with our lovely commentary. Hahah, I love staying home watching a movie with friends instead of standing and shivering at the football game at school. Hahhhh.


Tomorrow is homecoming, and I kind of can't remember why I wanted to go, but I'm sort of kind of looking forward to it. Who knows?
Sunday is NeverShoutNever concert!!! I'm sooooo excited. I love him! :)

For some reason, I can't seem to write anything worthwhile lately. Maybe I'm finally settling down into life again. A job (teaching swim lessons) and homework under control. Friends (come on, look at us!) and everything seems to be going well. I don't want drama, but I'd like something of consequence to happen. Sadly, that usually entails the g word. Guys. I don't know if i can handle that, but you never know....

I'm going to paint a poem on my wall. help me choose! if you realllllly like one of the ones previously on my blog, hunt it down, and tell me what the post was called. Please and thank you.

writers block.

oh, anna, your cousin is in my SMaRT period class. Whoa, dude. :)

mhmmm

I painted this over the course of a week. Somehow, between swim lessons and quiz bowl and homework, I found time for this. Because, really, I enjoyed it. Sure, I googled peacocks and then drew it on the wall THEN painted it, but whatever. I love in anyway. :)

Champagnes for Celebrating

(I'll Take a Martini)

Current obsession: Mayday Parade!

So last night, there was this party. We danced allllll night long and it was the best time ive had in a while. Seeing us dance, it's no wonder we love concerts! We dance like we're at a concert, jumping and screaming and sweating. This morning I woke up with a bruise on my cheek and a very sore neck. (The bruise is because I was playing ping pong and Danny tickled me, and i swung around with the paddle and nailed myself in the face and him on the shoulder. Ouch)

School is getting easier for me. Because, I'm used to it. I know I have to read a TON for AP World History every night, so I plan ahead and highlight in my book and get all my other homework done. Now, if only I could remember to do projects....

I'll update on the crazy adventures of Emmer once I have some to report on.
Right now, i'm just waiting on this letter..... ;)

Growing up,

Little hash marks
up, up the doorway.
Remember, when I
was young?
The days when I
stood tall, prideful
in who I was.
Society has shaped
me, shaped all of
you. Slouching
in a tall shadow,
not able to live up,
lacking want to try.
Little hash marks
in the doorway.

Growing up, but
beaten down.
No longer able
to giggle for hours
on end.
Remember?
When life was
silly.
Remember, the
days when I was
young, small.
Awkward youth.
Growing up,
but beaten again.

----------------------------------------

Orchestra concert today. We played okay. But when I was sitting there in the crowd in my hideous dress and heels, looking up at that other orchestra sitting under the lights, breathing in the concert, and their fingers tracing familiar paths up and down the necks of their instruments, it was somehow magical. Dreamlike and beautiful. The notes may have been... ehm, wrong sometimes, but it was the energy with which the crowd responded, some swaying along. I myself was transfixed with the cellos and the way their fingers and bows seemed to weave effortlessly in and out of notes. I hope that I look that way when I play.

Time

Peacock. That's right, peacock. I'm painting one on my wall, pictures up as soon as i can think of it. And, when it's done. Tee hee.

Monday, again. I wish i could speed forward time to homecoming and then to NeverShoutNever! Gosh, how fast time is passing. the leaves on the trees are changing colour, the chill has set in, the comforter on my bed has shown itself, the air smells like that strange blend of fall, rain, and winter. Christmas shopping? Nine weeks exams? Finals? What is all of this? Can I slow it down? Make more memories, because I love it so much. I can't imagine growing old, can you? Because I'm 14, and I can't even picture being 17 or 18. Not even close. And, somehow, I don't want to be. Not yet. These are the years that I can be crazy and find out just who I am.

I wrote a poem, but i can't find it! oh, no! maybe i'll post it later. Au revoir!

Ruler

so i have this drum, in my room. And it is loud. Snare drums are INSANELY loud, just so you know. And every time i pick up the drum sticks, my sister gets annoyed and tells me to stop playing. well then, guess its going to be a four a.m. wakeup for you! Well, im kidding, but wouldn't that be funny?

so, Ive posted alot of poems on here. And, the majority of poems I've written lately are on here. I love putting poems on here because i write about things that are real, and i think that its easy to relate to, because its better than reading a poem "Quoth the Raven, Nevermore" which makes NO sense to you whatsoever, am i right?

I'm going to go on a writing rampage, so beware!

Thought of the day: is strength recognizing that you are weak?